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Would you like some snot in that coffee?

Mom and I frequently have discussions about having children.  This is normally in response to one of the 3 children under the age of 3 making a big mess or screaming while I'm trying to drink some coffee and have breakfast at the kitchen table.  I inevitably say something to the tune of "I'm not really sure I need to have that in my life" and she responds with how it's different when it's your own.  Or that having a child is about being part of something bigger than yourself.   Some days I agree, and others I don't.  It might depend on the strength of the argument on that particular day.  It might also depend on how long and loud the screaming is, or how much disarray the house and kitchen is in and just how smelly, sticky, and slimy the child is. 

I don't do a particularly good job of looking after myself, how on earth would I ever be able to take care of someone else that was depending on me for everything? 

During this morning's discourse it occurred to me that its extremely unlikely that I'll be married before I'm 30.  I'm one of those people that think you should be married before having children.  It's ok, you can call me old fashioned, it won't bother me.  Then I also think it's important to have some time together as a married couple before bringing kids into the mix.  So now I'm about 32 and that window for healthy mother and child is getting smaller and smaller.   I thought about some of my friends who are already past that age and who are not married.  And then I didn't want to think about that.   I'm not really sure what my point is.  These were just a few things I was thinking about this morning.  Hopefully I have many years before I have to start thinking about it seriously.  But while I'm surrounded by small children daily its hard not to give it a little thought. 

Almost Perfect

I was consumed by the look of the trail tonight.  The contrast of the light fluffy snow we were dumped with and the warm wet rain we have today.  These are the words I felt while running. 

The trail has a graceful eeriness to it.  The rain has melted away all the snow on the trees, they look like ethereal skeletons.  A memory from summer.  Before the melt the snow was soft and inviting.  Glowing even at night. Rounded mounds of it like pillows in a hotel suite. But now it has just a touch of a harsh, metallic sheen.  Like the forest was empty and cruel.  In contrast, the wet wind was like a warm friendly breath of air on my face. 

Wen I got home the wind was blowing fierce.  I looked up and the trees were dancing.

It was almost perfect.  Perfection would have been running home to you.  I would have pulled you outside with me to dance with the trees.

Aug. 7th, 2009


very depressed

its bad.  the self loathing, the hate.  the sadness. the crying.  the anger.  the helplessness.  its overwhelming.  i just dont want to do anything.  and when i try and do something it seems like its just pointless and i suck at it anyways.  so why bother

insert futurama theme music here

i still think about him sometimes. 

and sometimes it makes me cry just a little

and then, fortunately, i get distracted and things are fine.

but fuck, it sucks when it happens. 

i need a new interest to keep myself occupied. or something. oh wait...that whole school thing.  yeah.  still dont know my placement.   teachers report back on the 13th.  students return the 19th.  how much you wanna bet i find out where i am on the 19th.  really fricken nervous about all of it. 

also paid too much money to have the awesome japanese silk tiger print framed.  but i think it will look very nice, hope to pick it up around hte 24th.  gold-ish matting and black bamboo frame.  Everytime I look at it i'll be reminded of not being able to hear because i've got two pairs of socks on.  or other such grandpa frank nonsense.

trying to get a hold of molly maakestad.  she told my mom that I could live at her house.  she's there all alone.  i'd pretty much have the whole downstairs to myself.  haven't been able to reach her though to talk about it.  i'll probably do it.  free rent and escape from the parents house.  and it would be super sweet if she'd let me adopt a dog. i want one so bad. 

dang, i've got the hiccups.

also...gained 15 lbs in fairbanks and lost all the "in-shape-ness"  that i had achieved.  now feel fat, ugly, and slow and wheezy.  but i'm gonna get my hair cut tomorrow.  gonna chop it all off.  i need a change. 

Glo and Jilly's excellent adventure!

Oh LJ, I have neglected you so miserably!

So, I'm in Fairbanks.  Hopefully I'll only be on the couch for a couple weeks max.  If it looks like its going to be longer I'm definitely finding somewhere else to stay.  But Lesa, my roommate seems pretty cool.  Other roommate is Rob and I have not met him yet.  I'm not sure where Jilly is hiding.  I just hope she hasn't escaped out the back door.  Theres a gate across the open door, and gates normally keep her out even though she could just jump over, but she doesnt seem to ever do that.  So hopefully she's just under someone's bed.  She came out and explored earlier for like an hour, and then disappeared. 

Also trying to finish up my homework assignment.  I had to read a bunch of young adult literature and then write up little summaries and assessments of them.  I did all the reading the last 2 weeks, but I still have 6 summaries to do.  I've finished 7.   It's due tomorrow of course.

I'm tired. 

I need to go get some groceries.  Explore the town a bit. 

But I'm going to put another hour into these summaries, hopefully get down to just having 3 left and then find some dinner and groceries...and try and find out where my classes are! 


What's so bad about feeling good

I may have found a place to stay in fairbanks. $400 a month + some utilities,  And Jilly can come too.  which makes me very happy. 

I got sunburned yesterday. Ryan and I walked along the beach by Kincaid for a couple hours yesterday.  And I was also outside for a BBQ at A&Z's last night too, soaking up the sun.

And Saturday night I got good and drunk at Scott and Maria's graduation party.  Well, I didn't really get drunk until after leaving the party and going to Dickers. but still.  Good times.  And I rode my bike for the first time this summer too.  Gotta get it in to the shop for a tuneup though. 

All in all it was a nice weekend. 

now it's time for a nap, the 7th graders exhausted me with their incessant talking and incapability of staying in their seats!

drip drip drop little april showers

I just turned off my music because i noticed a pit pat pitter patter sound coming from outside.

the sound of rain on a roof.

I love it.

theres something so comforting and soothing about its repetition.  and faintly musical.  It sort of feels like the day is just being washed away.  Cuddled up in bed.  I can almost pretend i have nothing to worry about. At least not right now.  Worrying and fretting at this very minute will not mean a thing. There is nothing to be accomplished by weighty nervous thoughts.  There is just right now.  And right now it is rain.  and warmth.  and a soft bed.  

and a sniffly nose

another diet fed by crippling defeat

arrrghhhhhhh LJ just lost my entry.

grrrrrrrrrrr it was a good one

time for dentist.

feeling angry

shins hurting

life has been interesting lately

I'm going to Fairbanks this summer. For sure. Well, I haven't registered for classes yet, but its happening.  I still don't have a place to stay yet, but Pastor Bill has been looking into it for me which I am extremely grateful for.   If all else fails I'll have my car and my tent.  I just got a new sleeping bag.  I'm set.  

Ryan and I are going to try and be friends.  I went through an incredibly difficult emotional tornado trying to figure that one out, but since we had our little talk I feel much better.  I still have this strong desire to see him though. Which I wasn't really prepared for.  So I think we'll be pretty good friends. And maybe after being friends for a while, I'll be able to reevaluate the relationship status, I just know that right now, its too much for me, I can't handle it.  I do miss the cuddling though, and its only been a few days.  So that's the scoop on that. 

My Praxis 2 is coming up soon...and I haven't been studying.  oops.

Steve is getting his brakes replaced today, they weren't broken, but it was time for some maintenance, and I currently have the money, so yeah.  Hopefully he'll be all put back together so I can have my car back.  I do not like being without my vehicle, especially when I don't have my bike as a replacement.  I gotta get my bike down out of storage in the garage and into the bikeshop so its up and running. 

I just bought tickets for Spamalot.  a little pricey...but I wanted decent seats.  I have to be able to see the costumes.  Hopefully the ones I got aren't too bad.

I'm housesitting for the Godfreds soon. 18th-26th.  That'll be nice.  Even though their house isn't very homey...its still nice.  I'll miss Jilly though.  I haven't heard back from Barb whether or not I'm looking after her dogs for May. So....I guess I might be back at the parents for May.  Since I'm moving out of this apartment at the end of this month.  

Theres a lot of uncertainty ahead for me and it makes me anxious and nervous and I don't like that.  I never thought of myself as a planner...but I guess thats what I am.  I need plans!  Although...I prefer it if someone else makes those plans for me.  Thats my problem, I'm just so darn lazy.  
I haven't worked this week. (schools are doing their testing, so no jobs) Its been bad for me.  I've slept late. stayed up late. no routine. done nothing.  been very bad.  There are a lot of things I should be doing instead.  I only have the potential for 3 days next week too. (i've got one of them down though at least)  I need all 3 days so I can stay on top of bills and such.  And if I can get 17 more days in I'll get my little $300 bonus. 

I had lost 4 lbs last week, because I was spending all my time with Ryan, and I just wasn't hungry.  And then...things got stirred up emotionally and I've been eating like crazy, like yesterday...I just grazed all evening.  I'm hoping I wont have gained all of it back.  But...yeah.  It's not been good. 

I've been very dilligent about sticking to my half marathon training schedule.  Yesterday was a 6 miler. I didn't do it like I was supposed to...4 miles at a 9:38 pace. But I at least did the 6 miles.  I need to get 2 miles in today. And Saturday I'm up for 7!   And Sunday is Easter. 

blah blah blah.  trying to think if theres anything else.  nope. 
i'm a little scared

I'm in uncharted territory and i'm just a bit scared. 

i also think i'm thinking too much.  It's not rocket science right? 

i'm also really really really tired